"you've got this"...& other lies coffee told me. || a reflection.

as i approach my thirty first birthday, i am feeling very reflective of where i am in life. i never really make resolutions at new years. i tend to wait for my birthday to set out what i have planned and goaled for that year.

this past year. it's been tough. intense. challenging. growing.

i know we all go through seasons in life that are not ideal. i know my struggles are of no more importance than yours or anyone else's. but it was tough. 

the title i chose is ironic and appropriate because i think we believe a lot of lies. we live in a very competitive and comparative society. we measure social media followings, physical appearance, education, and career advancements almost as social currencies in a world where no one can really keep up. and yes, i get it. i love getting my 100+ likes on my instagram photos. and yes, i'd even really love to have 1000+ likes. 

the point is that we chase after things that will bring us status. amongst our friends, our communities, and even on larger scales (if that's your prerogative). but are we chasing this at the expense of our own selves? our own peace?

today when i left my apartment, i packed my back pack with my camera and my ipad. i knew i wanted to spend some time writing. and i have really been missing photography lately. while walking around piedmont park, i found that it was feeling difficult to be inspired creatively. yes i have a yearning for inspiration and to release my emotions creatively, but it's almost as if i have forgotten how to see things.

when i was younger i immersed myself into photography full force. i did a lot of what i called perspective shooting. i always focused on the details, often times not even realizing the bigger picture. that was reflective of my life outlook also. but somewhere that all switched. i moved around and had a lot of career advancement that happened very fast. i had a goal - a big picture - that i would not lose sight of. but in the midst of that i began not paying attention to the details. 

that career path did not end up working out. i had two very important relationships that either fail or become increasingly difficult. & i won't lie to you; it was kind of devastating. i no longer had that big picture goal. so i spent most of the last year trying to regain my footing and set a new goal. i'm still working on that. 

i do have some very specific goals for myself over the next few years. but i need to remember how to focus on the details of making that happen. finding my own way of achieving them. rather than being focused on the timeline society seemingly has for us. but first, i want to focus on myself and hone in on what i want my exact point of view to be. much easier said than done.

the most prominent example of this is my instagram. in the past i was very focused on photography and fashion. over the last year while i was losing weight, i experimented posting more types of photos that were mainly self-indulgent to be honest. and while there is nothing wrong with being confident in yourself or being proud of your body, it's very interesting to me the response people have toward it. of course there are those who love it and applaud you. but what was interesting was watching who began unfollowing me. people i know - close friends, family. all while never unfollowing my facebook, or even reaching out to express whatever it is they were concerned about. i am still the same boy after all - across social media platforms. each one just takes on a different expression of myself.

but, all of that to say. i want to focus on what i want my point of view to be. i want to cultivate the details of my life and build myself into the person i want to be, rather than mindlessly racing through life (& over caffeinating myself) to achieve goals based on where society says i should be at this point in my life. 

for those of you still with me, thank you taking this journey with me. thirty was tough, but i'm looking forward to what thirty-one has in store.

also, sorry for not including any images on this entry. i'll make up for it soon. :)